May 2013
jpierrepontcriss:
my mom was pulling into a parking space today and she asked “am i relatively straight?” and i said “i think that’s something you need to decide for yourself” and she told me to walk home
psychoticmist:
if you ever feel bad about yourself remember that george bush was once informed that 4 brazilian people were killed in iraq and he responded ‘how many is a brazilian’
maliciousmelons:
i hate when i cant tell if someone is human or if theyre dancer
100newfears:
do white people actually have eyes that change color because that sounds pretty demonic to me
buttduchess:
i ain’t sayin’ she a gold-digger, but she did move west to california in 1849
meladoodle:
i’m gonna start a gang but everyone has to wear heelys (and helmets cause we gotta be safe)
herspanic:
putting in “the best ass eater” in my gps
tanakas:
the school year is almost over
damnsexydirkstrider:
lolinepeta:
lolinepeta:
one time i was going to feed my dog a fruit and i picked up an orange but i was 4 am so i just threw the orange at his face and somehow that orange disappeared i swear to god he ate that whole orange with one bite and i dont know how
i was 4 am
tumblr user lolinepeta planned to feed his pet dog so hard, he became a measurement of time.
astrobit:
if slugs were fast it would be very scary
blein:
sO my friend’s dog died and she lives in new york city and so she had to take it to the vet by the subway and she put the dead dog in the suitcase on the subway and it was a pretty big dog and some dude saw that she was struggling with the suitcase so he asked if she needed help with it and he said do you mind me asking what’s in it and she didnt want to say a dead dog so shE SAID IT WAS...
poopflow:
roughrimjob:
meladoodle:
she got a pussy like the grand canyon
dry and sandy
possibly filled with dead bodies
nyehs:
marijuana more like marijuanah. say no to drugs. stop kony
dampsandwich:
excellent now i can email my mom and dad my favorite text posts
wartortles:
wartortles:
its so sad that blind people cant see the internet
*single tear drops down face* thats so beautiful
jadeita:
my fondest memory of science class in school was when a boy wanted to see ‘how hot fire was’ and then put a thermometer into an open bunsen burner which promptly exploded and everyone started screaming saying they would die from mercury poisoning
cancune:
If a guy stares at your boobs
just stare at his dick
maybe squint a little bit
zackisontumblr:
sometimes i still think about that half hour of my life wasted on the kony video
Watch
amoying:
girl you have a great personaltitty
lespreg:
shopping carts in random places make me sad
there is nothing for you there friend
dallonjames:
when I was like 7 I found my brother’s porn on his computer and it was this story about a girl and she went to this mechanics place but she didn’t have any money so she payed with like sex and then so I thought that was how you paid for everything so once we went to target and I started unbuttoning my pants and my mother started screaming
somethingaboutgaret:
homosexuality is not a choice because hulk hogan gave me my first boner and nobody would choose that
Watch
apatheticghost:
my dad just yelled “IT SOUNDS LIKE YOURE MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE YOU BETTER NOT HAVE A BOY IN THERE”
canderemy:
excuse you
unluckycharmxo:
stingraye:
maybe i’m still single because i didn’t forward that chain email to 17 of my closest friends 5 years ago
that’ll explain the little girl with no eyes at the end of my bed too
crabparty:
my brother had a dream he spent 20 dollars on a hotdog and he woke up screaming
andivictoria:
andivictoria:
this douchebaggy ass woman sitting behind us has been wearing sunglasses all dinner ugh stop
nevermind she’s blind
fartgallery:
if you dont cover your sneeze and your snot particles land on me i will stop your heart
